How time flies...

It's been like 3 months already since I left my job and started my Master. It's been hectic days for me since then....lack of sleep, no personal time, late nights and even no more love life at all... Marriage life sucks for me these few months, though the kids are wonderful and growing up well :) As for my master research, it's been going on slow...too slow i would say. Chapter 2 on literature review is been draggy as I have not much time to read and explore the research written...however, i have started on the first phase of development of the hypervisor. But, the coding part is pretty difficult as there is no reference on the porting of Intel instructions and at them same time i must make sure i do not infringe the Intel's IP. Headache..and pretty stuck but still going on searching for methods to solve it...guess there is no short cuts after all...

Well, Christmas is coming soon...had some X'mas mood at first as I was suppose to celebrate X'mas with Eric and my hubby in Singapore, however, everything has been messed up by the PTPTN. My hubby has been blacklisted by PTPTN (the government) and barred him from going out of the country. So he couldn't get out of the country until he has resolved the issue with the government. It's only a week away before the trip (5 days) and things have not settle....and i have to think of plan B...

Wondering how do i look now?? I regain my 100% original weight now..and look slimmer than last time... and also a little tiring look too...ahahaha...thanks to the kids at home :)

Heavy heart to sacrifice my dream...

I have been in confusion for a past week...Undecided either to choose to go after my dream or giving family first priority to drop off my oversea plan. It seems that my heart is not for USM all this while though I have registered a student there. Even for my master, I wasn't really motivated to work on it...WHY??? In a dilemma whether I made the right choice to stay and take care of my kids over my dream to study overseas...

I should have decided earlier on to stay but then these few days, this issue popped out in my mind again. Was I being to silly to let go of my dream??? But on the other hand, I am too reluctant to leave my kids behind too. I have an opportunity now to go overseas to study again for the Spring time and I am so tempted to opt for it. Full scholarship is there and no problem in getting an offer but only...what about my kids? Couldn't bring my baby girl along as she is too young and I won't be able to handle her on my own. My son is also still young and can't take care of his own.

I have been discussing with a few people...and thinking a lot....guess I need to sacrifice..though i hated the idea...and reluctant to let it go, but I have no choice since I have kids and they are still very young. These few days really demotivated to work on research...and didn't do anything at all. I was even demotivated when found out I need to start from scratch as the referred framework could not work with my proposed solution. And now...I don't even know how and where to start....sigh. To develop a framework model for a new hypervisor is too complex and it is difficult to achieve in a year time and do it single-handedly. Thinking if I could change the topic as I wanted to complete my master in a year time...I do not even want to stay longer in USM. Not my dream university nor my dream education....

Oh well, reality needs to hit hard on me again....take off the dream and focus on my kids and master in USM. Don't dream anymore Irene...wake up and smell the flowers!

Life after school starts...

It's been a while i have not been blogging...reason? Lack of time. Time is so precious these days and yet I wish there is more than 24 hours a day. Master has started and research has started with me doing the literature review. Therefore, google is the master here....searching for technical papers, journals and proceedings which are related to my research.

It's been almost 3 weeks now since i started with my research....many would really want to know how am i coping....Oh well, to tell you the truth...i'm totally drained out....of energy and will power. I find it so hard to focus and spend more time on my work as being at home with kids is really difficult, especially when my kids are sick. Past few weeks my both kids were sick on and off...first the eldest one was sick...then after he recovered, my daughter was sick...and then back to the loop again. Phew...it's really a headache. Until now they are sick...down with running nose and cough. Blame the weather for being so bad and unpredictable...suddenly it's a rainy day and then next day it's sunny again...cold and then hot..and cold again...Keeping my fingers crossed that my kids will recover fast and no more sick anymore.

So these few weeks had been nightmares....lack of sleep, working late at night until 3am, not eating well, and worst of all being so forgetful and blur. I think it is caused by lack of sleep that got me so blur and forgetful. It's liked I just left my purse on the table and the next minute I totally couldn't remember where I have put it. Or probably age getting over me now....

Now i realized being a mum and a student are not easy at all...I should proclaim myself as "Supermom". It's really crazy days with the hectic schedule with taking care of my kids and doing my research at the same time, and I also need to do the housework...wonder woman can't even handle that I think... I have always put a positive mind and a strong will i can do it..but these past few weeks have drained off my energy and I am so tired now..wish i could have a break away from my kids for a day and just let me relax by the pool to rejuvenate. But i know it's impossible..being a mum is eternity...so responsible is always there.

Guess it's time for me to brace myself up again...to build up my energy and get on going with the will power. I hope i can have a little more freedom to at least have some time hang out with my gal friends or go for facial or hairdo...or a dinner date to at least enjoy myself a bit...oh well, back to serious work and need to forget about tiredness temporarily....

Oh ya btw, I have actually slimmed down a lot from my delivery....can you believe that I actually gained back my original weight after 3months of delivery??? I was surprised too...but it's true..and i can fit back my jeans and all my clothings now...this is an accomplishment!!!! Well, I think it's because of I'm taking care of 2 kids now and sleep deprive actually helps too...

Happy Mid Autumn Festival

It's the Mid Autumn Festival yesterday (since now it's already 12.43am in the morning) and it was a normal day for me. Usually my family has celebration for the festival every year. We would do BBQ and played lanterns to celebrate the night with the sighting of the full moon. However, this year my family was not gathered together to celebrate the day. My sister Jasy is in the US who is a few thousand kilometers away, my youngest sister Kelly is in Ipoh (at home), my dad is in Singapore (a working day for him) and my mum and I are in Penang. Everyone is at different place...and no celebration for this year....It's just a normal day.

I pondered over the past Mid Autumn festival celebrations which I had in my University's days and my family's celebrations....As I recalled, I enjoyed every year's Mid Autumn festival with my family members and also my University's days of Mid Autumn celebration. Happy moments suddenly flashed clearly in my mind...and I was smiling away retrospecting over the memorable "happy celebrations". I really missed those days.... and I hope next year's Mid Autumn festival will be with my family and celebrate the occasion together happily.

Happy Mid Autumn to everyone!

School's started...

My academic life had started last week...met with my supervisor and things were cleared up to start with the chapter 1 and chapter 2 for research's paperwork. A lot of reading and researching have to be conducted...I found time and energy are my constraint now...there is always less time and lack of energy to focus and work on the task. Working during midnight was not effective as I ended up dragging myself up in the morning and in a few days time...i couldn't stand it anymore...

Sigh....guess age is getting on me now....ageing lady no longer able to survive midnight oil...

Anyone has any remedy to cure this ageing???

Truth Reveal After Marriage

The title sounds so mysterious and many might wonder what kind of truth is being revealed. Well, I learnt a big lesson from my marriage. I knew I was blinded by love before marriage, and after marriage everything is so crystal clear to me. Reality hits me finally....

Upon saying that, I realised I married to a "not-good-breed" guy after all. The term includes his personality, his upbringing, his knowledge, his characteristic, his temper and his family. I am so regretful over about this....I know there won't be a perfect guy out there in this world, but at least not so bad...I think my chose the wrong guy to be my life partner, and my kid's dad...it's totally the wrong puzzle.

I found him to be utterly lazy, messy and forgetful...and he never cares or learn to teach kids..he is really bad at this...Always teaches Eric the bad stuff..like hitting people and boxing...it is all wrong. When I ask him to teach Eric Chinese, as he said he wanted Eric to study Chinese so can communicate with his parents, until now he never teaches him a single character...only words no action (he has been saying this since the day Eric was born). I will never teach Eric Chinese as I am Chinese illiterated. So don't blame me when your parents complain why Eric doesn't know Chinese...the answer is your problem....

One thing for sure, my hubby is getting fatter day by day while I am getting skinnier...I got back my original weight after 2 months birth...it is really fast this time...probably getting "hubby-stress" too much these days...And I found out he is a very bad tempered person...when he is angry he can kill people...but only he tries to hide it..but his facial shows everything...I really did not like his temper and the way he deals with it. He always claims himself the most good-tempered person in his family. Do you know his whole family members have very bad temper just like their father? And my hubby has that too though he always says he has very good temper...and never throw tantrum...oh well my dear hubby, you have shown to me without you knowing it yourself.

And the point I dislike most is he is the worst planner ever....I really hated this fact...as I like to plan and my hubby sucks at that...and always spoils my plan... He is bad at time, family, financial and future managements...........he never had such plans. Family planning none...and worst was no financial planning at all...he said he has but in the end...always complain me use up the money...Oh well, I already do my part to the family, and he is the man of the house...if he can't afford to support a family then don't get married. I get angry quickly each time he deals money discussion with me...he has been working for 7 years already and I only worked for 4 years... He should have a lot of saving and able to support a family by now...and the fact is very depressing...

I have to pay the downpayment for the house, and I have to pay for the car downpayment too..and paying 70% for the car installment, and I did not ask for monthly allowance as a wife...haven't I providing good financial support. Being a lady, with the money earned, people would expect me spending the money on my own for shopping and paying my own bills... Nobody knows the truth about this...not even my parents-in-law. They thought my hubby paid everything as my hubby sure bragged about himself being a good hubby and financially stable to support a family. I am really sad and upset to know that he is not honest at all to his parents.

I can continue listing out the parts of him I am unhappy about...but I think I will bore all my readers...anyway I just want to let out my unhappiness which I have kept for past few months...Didn't know how to release it...so now writing it out in a blog is a good step for me...

KL Merdeka Trip

Last weekend, I brought my both kids to KL for holiday for the first time. My mum and my little sister went along with me. We had planned earlier that we will be doing some shopping in KL. My hubby was the driver.

Anyway, the main purpose for the trip was to shop at IKEA to buy some furniture and things for Eric. I had been complaining to my hubby that our house was not children-friendly at all and since now our Eric is already 19months, it is time to setup a play area cum study area for him as this time is crucial for him to learn things. My son has been really interested to learn things these few weeks...and he is learning fast.

We stayed at Hotel Royale Bintang which is located right opposite IKEA and next to The Curve. It will be more convenient for me who has children along. So how was the trip overall? Well, the shopping part with my mum and my sister was great....we were all in happy mood enjoying the holiday. Frankly speaking, I have not been to any shopping for quite a long time...some more shopping at IKEA was only my first time. And the most unhappy part for me was my hubby. He spoilt everyone's mood for the holiday trip. He was so rude and impatient that I was really mad at him. He complaint here and there especially about bringing kids out and also about the H1N1. I was so frustrated at him. When shopping at IKEA, it was expected to spend the whole day there, but he was so impatient that he rushed me here and there. Since we were already at IKEA (travel so far to buy things), of course we have to look carefully and buy whatever we really needed especially for our children. He showed the "black clouded" face to me, my mum and my sister. I was so upset at him as he has spoilt our shopping mood.

And of course bringing little kids along to shopping would be hectic and troublesome but we have to bear with it and cheer the kids up. My hubby only took care of Eric and he banned Eric from playing at the IKEA children area with the toys and didn't allow him him to walk on his own. My Eric was so excited as he knew we were on holiday and looking at the interesting things in IKEA, he wanted to run around and played...but he was tied up by his dad. He was crying and making noise...so now, who was the one who made him cry? It was my hubby. And he complaint how troublesome to bring kids along. My mum, sister and I took turn to take care Fion while shopping, and we did not complain at all....

The part I dislike most was he was so unthoughtful and always brought Eric away back to hotel, and left me, my mum, my sister and my baby (all ladies only) all alone in the restaurant in every meal. He would eat quickly and brought Eric back to hotel and left us ladies there...no matter where we were. It was so rude...and never thought of me...I'm his wife and we were in a new place....and he didn't even think of protecting me especially I was taking care of Fion on my own while eating. I really hated this part....

I learnt my lesson of the day from the trip...Never to ask my hubby along for holiday anymore as he was impatient...and never trust my hubby in anything....he is a lousy hubby and daddy...