Heavy heart to sacrifice my dream...

I have been in confusion for a past week...Undecided either to choose to go after my dream or giving family first priority to drop off my oversea plan. It seems that my heart is not for USM all this while though I have registered a student there. Even for my master, I wasn't really motivated to work on it...WHY??? In a dilemma whether I made the right choice to stay and take care of my kids over my dream to study overseas...

I should have decided earlier on to stay but then these few days, this issue popped out in my mind again. Was I being to silly to let go of my dream??? But on the other hand, I am too reluctant to leave my kids behind too. I have an opportunity now to go overseas to study again for the Spring time and I am so tempted to opt for it. Full scholarship is there and no problem in getting an offer but only...what about my kids? Couldn't bring my baby girl along as she is too young and I won't be able to handle her on my own. My son is also still young and can't take care of his own.

I have been discussing with a few people...and thinking a lot....guess I need to sacrifice..though i hated the idea...and reluctant to let it go, but I have no choice since I have kids and they are still very young. These few days really demotivated to work on research...and didn't do anything at all. I was even demotivated when found out I need to start from scratch as the referred framework could not work with my proposed solution. And now...I don't even know how and where to start....sigh. To develop a framework model for a new hypervisor is too complex and it is difficult to achieve in a year time and do it single-handedly. Thinking if I could change the topic as I wanted to complete my master in a year time...I do not even want to stay longer in USM. Not my dream university nor my dream education....

Oh well, reality needs to hit hard on me again....take off the dream and focus on my kids and master in USM. Don't dream anymore Irene...wake up and smell the flowers!

Life after school starts...

It's been a while i have not been blogging...reason? Lack of time. Time is so precious these days and yet I wish there is more than 24 hours a day. Master has started and research has started with me doing the literature review. Therefore, google is the master here....searching for technical papers, journals and proceedings which are related to my research.

It's been almost 3 weeks now since i started with my research....many would really want to know how am i coping....Oh well, to tell you the truth...i'm totally drained out....of energy and will power. I find it so hard to focus and spend more time on my work as being at home with kids is really difficult, especially when my kids are sick. Past few weeks my both kids were sick on and off...first the eldest one was sick...then after he recovered, my daughter was sick...and then back to the loop again. Phew...it's really a headache. Until now they are sick...down with running nose and cough. Blame the weather for being so bad and unpredictable...suddenly it's a rainy day and then next day it's sunny again...cold and then hot..and cold again...Keeping my fingers crossed that my kids will recover fast and no more sick anymore.

So these few weeks had been nightmares....lack of sleep, working late at night until 3am, not eating well, and worst of all being so forgetful and blur. I think it is caused by lack of sleep that got me so blur and forgetful. It's liked I just left my purse on the table and the next minute I totally couldn't remember where I have put it. Or probably age getting over me now....

Now i realized being a mum and a student are not easy at all...I should proclaim myself as "Supermom". It's really crazy days with the hectic schedule with taking care of my kids and doing my research at the same time, and I also need to do the housework...wonder woman can't even handle that I think... I have always put a positive mind and a strong will i can do it..but these past few weeks have drained off my energy and I am so tired now..wish i could have a break away from my kids for a day and just let me relax by the pool to rejuvenate. But i know it's impossible..being a mum is eternity...so responsible is always there.

Guess it's time for me to brace myself up again...to build up my energy and get on going with the will power. I hope i can have a little more freedom to at least have some time hang out with my gal friends or go for facial or hairdo...or a dinner date to at least enjoy myself a bit...oh well, back to serious work and need to forget about tiredness temporarily....

Oh ya btw, I have actually slimmed down a lot from my delivery....can you believe that I actually gained back my original weight after 3months of delivery??? I was surprised too...but it's true..and i can fit back my jeans and all my clothings now...this is an accomplishment!!!! Well, I think it's because of I'm taking care of 2 kids now and sleep deprive actually helps too...

Happy Mid Autumn Festival

It's the Mid Autumn Festival yesterday (since now it's already 12.43am in the morning) and it was a normal day for me. Usually my family has celebration for the festival every year. We would do BBQ and played lanterns to celebrate the night with the sighting of the full moon. However, this year my family was not gathered together to celebrate the day. My sister Jasy is in the US who is a few thousand kilometers away, my youngest sister Kelly is in Ipoh (at home), my dad is in Singapore (a working day for him) and my mum and I are in Penang. Everyone is at different place...and no celebration for this year....It's just a normal day.

I pondered over the past Mid Autumn festival celebrations which I had in my University's days and my family's celebrations....As I recalled, I enjoyed every year's Mid Autumn festival with my family members and also my University's days of Mid Autumn celebration. Happy moments suddenly flashed clearly in my mind...and I was smiling away retrospecting over the memorable "happy celebrations". I really missed those days.... and I hope next year's Mid Autumn festival will be with my family and celebrate the occasion together happily.

Happy Mid Autumn to everyone!

School's started...

My academic life had started last week...met with my supervisor and things were cleared up to start with the chapter 1 and chapter 2 for research's paperwork. A lot of reading and researching have to be conducted...I found time and energy are my constraint now...there is always less time and lack of energy to focus and work on the task. Working during midnight was not effective as I ended up dragging myself up in the morning and in a few days time...i couldn't stand it anymore...

Sigh....guess age is getting on me now....ageing lady no longer able to survive midnight oil...

Anyone has any remedy to cure this ageing???