My First Day on Leave

Today is my first day of my maternity leave....I actually woke up at 9am today and I was feeling so refresh and my son came over to woke me up from my beauty sleep. I didn't sleep well the last night as my whole body was itchy and I ended up being able to sleep soundly only after 5am. It was really annoying with the pregnancy itch that I am enduring now...and I have to endure it until after my delivery. They call it pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP).

Last week of work..

This week will be my last week of work before I go for my maternity leave....I'm actually really happy thinking about me getting taking a break from work starting this Saturday....yahoo!!!

I'm really tired of the pushing and pressure from work as my boss is getting me to work on so many things...and yet not really appreciative at all...

And these days, as my days are getting closer to my due date...i'm feeling tired easily and unable to focus on the work as I'm feeling nauseas and lost of appetite sometimes...The only thing I need is lying down on bed and get some rest. My weight is getting heavier and my tummy is for sure huge...walking and moving around is sometimes a burden for me as I get tired easily after 5 minutes.

Anyhow, I am counting my days to my start date of my maternity leave...4 more days to go...after monday...

One month to go....

I'm finally at my last month of pregnancy...about 35 weeks already...so one more month to go before my due at 6 July 2009. The due date was given by my gynea as a reference but when will my baby ready to come out?? This has to depend on my little one in my womb when she wants to come out.

I have prepared all the baby's room and the baby girls' clothes for her, and now the only thing left is spring clean the house. I will be getting my hubby to hire hourly maid to do this...as I won't be able to do the housework now...my tummy has grown too big...I weigh about 62kg now!!! I have grown 12kg heavier...phew....can you imagine the load I'm carrying now???

I am still thinking and deciding on my baby girl's name - the English name. My hubby will think of the Chinese name and I will think of the English name. I have a few names in my list but couldn't determine which one is the best. I want to get my daugther a sweet yet beautiful name so she will appreciate her name when she grows up. Alike me, I am very thankful to my mum who gave me such beautiful name for English and Chinese though she didn't know Chinese. My Chinese name...Xue Fen (Suet Fun) means snowflakes...which such natural and pure. And my English name Irene which means Goddess of Peace...It's an incredible yet beautiful name for a girl and I thanked my mum a lot for the good name.

So here is my list of names for my baby girl:

• Emerlyn Tee
• Evelyn Tee
• Fionn Tee
• Fionna Tee
• Hannah Tee
• Kaithleen Tee
• Emma Tee
• Felicia Tee

Which do you think is the best that sounds nice and match with her surname?

Counting down the days...

20 days more then I will be off from work....I really need a break...it's been a while I did not take a break or even go for a holiday. I will be on maternity leave soon....yipee!!! Why do I sound so happy? Well, frankly speaking, I am damn bored with my current job and I find out it won't lead me to a brighter future...and the job is so routine...so sick of executing tests over and over again.

So I am really looking forward for my 2-month leave which I can spend some time with my son and my coming soon "daughter" as I think money can't take over my priority of motherly love to my children. It's really a blessing and happiness to spend every single precious time with your little kids...as they grow up so fast....so bonding with your children since they are babies are essential for understanding them and give them a better upbringing.

After my 2-month maternity leave, I will be starting my master officially. So now I don't really care much about my job, just to make sure I pass down everything to my colleague. I feel so happy thinking of it as I think 4 years with the same job has really drawn off all my motivation and my passion. Anyway, I think i need a change...a change is good for me...and taking a break to go back to the academics world is a good choice for me...I want to clear my mind and focus on my passion and plan for what I want to do next for my life....It will be a life changing experience but I'm wiling to take it even though without my hubby's support...To me, girl's will power is very important and it could even change the world....So let's see what I want to do next after I finish my master.

Forgive and forget...

There is no hatred deep inside me towards my hubby. It's just frustration and sometimes disappointment when there are times he did not understand or support me at all. I learnt a few key things about marriage after a year plus being married. Being a wife is not easy...I have to bear my partner's real habits and characteristics even though these are usually revealed after marriage. I understand now that marriage is totally different from being in a relationship. Marriage is like a knot tied together and both parties live together as one whereby commitments and responsibilities are added. So it is important for those who want to consider marriage must know what kind of life they want...especially for ladies. I finally know the truth...the reason behind why a man and a lady want to get married.

For men, marriage means getting himself a lifetime companion whereby someone will be at home when he came back from home...so he won't be alone. In addition, he will expect the wife to serve him and do the household chores...and at the same time some men will expect his wife to work to help out with the household financial. I see the trend these days...maybe due to the high inflation and high living standard. However, ladies, do not forget that we are not owned or belonged to anyone....not even to our hubbies. We have our rights and passing down from generations after generations, the norm of marriage whereby the hubby has to provide living and financial support to his wife still stand strong. No matter the wife works anot, it is very important that the hubby still provide living allowance for the wife. It doesn't matter if it is a little or the wife still helps out with the household financial, but the living allowance is very important. Why is that so?? Think about it..... If your hubby is a businessman and ever busy, will he has time for his wife and bring her for shopping or holiday? I bet not, and if he has given his wife monthly allowance, then the wife could use the money to spend on her own...buy the things she likes, etc. Another example, let's say your hubby is just a normal "makan gaji" engineer and the wife works too to help out with the household financial, and the hubby never gives monthly allowance to his wife....and one day after many years, the wife loses her job and has to stay home to take care of kids. So what happen now? The hubby by the time already get used of you providing financial support to the family and now even need to give you monthly allowance....for sure your hubby won't be happy at all and he statrted to "show face" to the wife....and what if he doesn't want to provide you the allowance? Then the wife will be in bad condition....and probably she will need to use her own savings...and what if her savings all used up? She won't be having any money and what if one day the hubby leaves her for another woman, etc? Many things can happen unexpectedly especially in marriage... So ladies, it is very important to protect yourselves no matter how loving and caring your hubby is. Marriage life is very realistic....love is not the only thing that will solve problem as love can gradually fade....over years...

So to my girlfriends, think about it and we have to protect ourselves. The reason I'm sharing this is that I find it is very important to let all the ladies know out there. I am going through the same thing here....I have never asked monthly allowance from my hubby as I am working and helping out with the household financial...but next few months, I will stop working for a temporary period and I will have no income...My hubby wasn't happy and he did not even bother to give me monthly allowance...and he also expects me to help him pay the household bills...and financially support the family... I was very disappointed on him...and saddened over the matter...and that's where I learnt no matter how loving the couple is....marriage takes the couple to the realistic of life....."no money no talk" and "money" becomes the main key for a happy marriage life...that's the fact... So what will happen to me? I finally see the true colors of my hubby and marriage...and I will take the challenge by searching for scholarship or any method of earning money (legally of course) and I now know that I can't depend on my hubby at all...

That's my luck of not marrying a rich man...probably marrying a rich man won't need me to think and trouble by money matters...but i know maybe I need to sacrifice love and happiness...Anyhow, for me if i get to choose again, i will sure get a rich man or a man who has a car, house and savings, and capable of supporting the family himself without wife working....

Research Proposal Defined...

Finally after months and days of thinking and discussions, I finally defined my Master Research topic. Many thanks to Gerald who is my co-worker and my friend who agrees to become my filed supervisor. Also thanks to Dr Wan who is my research supervisor who gave me some guidance on how to draft the proposal.

I am very lucky to know Gerald and have him as my friend and mentor. He has been very nice and helpful to me. I really appreciate what he has done and guide me all this while. I told myself that I will not disappoint him and I will do my best to show him some deliverables. Gerald, if you see this, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

So my title of my research will be: Optimizing embedded VMM for Cross Platform PowerPC Emulation on IA32 Hosted Machine. It's a challenging research project to me but I am determined to complete it with success....targetting 1 year timeframe...So, wish me luck!!!

Feeling of Regret...

These few weeks I have this feeling of regret and anger deep within me...You must be wondering what is there for me to regret....

Oh well, the first factor is that I had to reject the Cornell University which offers me Master program in Computer Science. Hey people, it's Cornell and I was accepted by them...after all the grueling GRE test...I was in throes of ecstacy when I received the offer from Cornell...the IVY League and one of the top 10 universities in US.

However, my overjoyment was later crushed when I found out I couldn't accept their offer and go for my master study...The reason behind??? Well, the biggest problem is that my hubby wouldn't allow me to go...and he did not want me to leave the kids behind... That's the saddest and yet regretful part to me that I got married before I go for my master....all the promise he gave that I can go for my master was all sweet lies... I was so saddened with the decision I was forced to make and until now I still have the deep feeling of frustration and disappointment etches in my heart when I think back about the missed opportunity.

I always think, if I get a chance to go to Cornell, I might have a chance to change my current life and it will be life changing experience for me...I might even be able to lead a better life after furthering my master at Cornell. The thing that I need most is to have a life change...of course for a better life. Marriage life is okay for me but I want more...you might think I am greedy but in my own opinion, my hubby is unable to give me the life I want for myself and for my kids... This sometimes make me green with envy towards those married ladies who lead a better happier life than me....and their hubbies are able to provide everything for them without them worrying about the core neccesities in supporting their families...

Nevertheless, completing my master has always been my dream since day one my hubby knew me. He should be the one who understands me the most and support me fully on it....but when come to the truth...it's a "NO" case. He just kept quiet when I told him I will do my master locally though I couldn't go off for my master. He didn't even show some support but on the contrary throw cold water to me...by him asking " How am I going be support the family on my own? Dear, you still need to help me pay the car installment, and you still need to contribute to the family's monthly expenses..." With these statements, it crushed my feelings even more...with the thought of more burden on me now...in resorting getting the money by hook or by crook. We had quarrel about this...and I always know financial is always the key to the marriage quarrels and I am always in the situation...I started to regret not to heed my mum's advice before marriage that she warned me if your future hubby is not financially stable with savings and able to support the family on his own...I will end up suffering in the marriage with all the financial stress on me.

Now I feel it even though I just got married barely 2 years. I learnt a big lesson from here and I strongly advise all my friends to consider $$$$ before love and there is no such thing as love after marriage...the true life after marriage is really bitter if financial of the hubby is not strong.

Think about it this way, if you can support yourself as a lady and live a good life on your own with the earning you have every month, then you do not need to get married to have another burden on yourself if your hubby is unable to even support a family. Like my case now, I even need to help to support my hubby financially to support the family. I know many people now in the modern generation share financial earnings between husband and wife, but if you think about it, if I lead such a stressful life by getting money to support the family as a wife, why not I just choose not get married at all...and enjoy the life of singlehood and just have boyfriend without any commitment? It's just my 2 cents as I think it's essential that the guy is still the bread winner of the family and support the family and wife properly. If wife has to be burdened, then the husband has not been keeping his oath and commitment of providing the wife a good life. Many people especially the husbands forget about their oaths that they made during the registration of marriage..."that I will support and provide a good life to my wife and love her eternity". If you do not believe me, ask your hubby again on the oath he has made...and see if he could answer you.... My hubby totally forget about it already.

Anyhow, I am still going for my master this year though not Cornell...and it's only USM. LIfe won't be easy for me, but I will still hunt for local scholarships to provide me the financial necessity for me to pay the car installment and contributing to the monthly expenses...I have to face the fact the life I'm living now...if I could turn back time...I won't be saying "I do" and I will continue on with my singlehood life which might turn out better than now.